18 March 2015

Nine Truths about Labour

Now Aria is fast approaching the 'nine months in, nine months out' milestone, I've been reflecting a lot on what it was like giving birth, and the unspoken truths that come with it.

That being said, I thought it was only fair to share nine truths about labour.

It hurts... a lot.
Now this is probably no surprise to you, but it is literally the most painful experience you will ever go through. It pushes you physically and mentally past any point of sanity, and will seem like time is standing still.

The 'ring of fire' is very real.
Speaking of pain, that very last push will have you screaming bloody murder. It can only be described as someone shoving a pack of matches up your Britney! But fear not, as the moment the matches are out will be the moment you meet the love of your life.

No one tells you about the 'afterbirth'.
Not long after you are presented with your tiny little bundle of joy, you will soon be greeted with a new wave of contractions. These may be induced, or they may come naturally, but basically it is your body giving birth to the little nest you created for your baby. Doesn't that sound beautiful? Well, it's not! If you're asked if you want to have a look, I'd advise you to politely decline. It's not a pretty sight.

You'll hurt after... for weeks.
You've just pushed a body out of your body, that's going to take a while to recover from. You'll have a Pingu style waddle for a few weeks and probably will only be able to walk the length of your back garden before needing to sit down. Not to mention, you'll probably still be bleeding for a good few weeks after. So my advice is to take it easy, you're going to need some time to get your strength back.

It doesn't always go to plan.
I understand why some people like to write a birth plan, but it can be pretty disheartening when it doesn't all go to plan. As much as you want to be in control, you really aren't. It is all down to your baby and what is best for them! Just think of it as practice for the rest of your life... you're not likely to get your way!

Drugs are your friend. TAKE THEM.
I applaud anyone that has given birth naturally. Really, I do. My sister in law did with both her girls and had the worlds quickest labours. Her youngest was born on the bathroom floor with no signs of labour! Lucky bitch, but that's besides the point.... Don't be brave; if you're offered the drugs then take them! No one hands out medals at the end if you do it all naturally. They won't make the pain go away, but I dread to think what my labour would have been like without them.

No one cares how groomed you are. 
It's a life and death mission to shave your legs when pregnant, let alone anywhere else. The fun thing about labour is that unless you have an induction or caesarian booked, it can come at any time. And the best part is it's probably going to be when you're looking your least presentable. But trust me, neither you or the 50 people poking in, up and around you are going to care!

You'll probably shit yourself.
Yup, you heard me! Moving on from the embarrassment of looking like gorilla, there is a very good chance you'll shit yourself. I mean, you're pushing in that area so it's understandable that you're going to be working certain muscles. But again, you're not going to care! The midwives have seen it all before, and will no doubt remove any evidence just to keep that tiny shred of dignity you have left.

And finally, once your baby is in your arms, you'll not remember a thing.
The memories will stay with you forever, even enough to write a funny blog post, but the second you get to meet your baby all the pain, embarrassment and worry will disappear. They are the focus behind every contraction, every ounce of pain, and every skid mark. You would go through it all a million times more to feel their skin on yours and to see them open their eyes for the first time.
What do you remember about your labour?


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